Falling off the Board
by Melanie Meredith of Pele o Samoa, Issue #3: Solstice
I grew up on the island of Upolu, Samoa, on a small mountain about ten minutes drive from Apia town. People I’ve met since leaving Samoa find it hard to believe that after growing up on an island I didn’t know how to swim. In my mind, the ocean beyond standing depth was a scary place with rips that would take me out to whirlpools, sharks and underwater life that spooked me. So naturally, I wasn’t keen on snorkelling.
A fear of the ocean was pretty common among locals growing up and most did not know how to swim. We didn’t have swimming pools, swimming lessons or ocean programs so unless our parents taught us to swim, we were limited to treading water and doggy paddling.
The favourite local beaches were about an hour drive away; they are reef protected, so we would relax and play rugby or volleyball in calm water, barely noticing the waves breaking on the reef in the far distance.
After living in New Zealand for 11 years, I moved to Australia where the water was warm all year round. There I was, 29 going on 30, starting a new job in a new country and enrolling in surf lessons.
After a few lessons I was keen to keep learning but felt weird about doing too many so, because I still had no confidence being in the ocean, I would stalk the surf school lessons and surf near them so I would feel safe. Along the way, I had several scary episodes that ended in panic and tears and many demoralising sessions which left me feeling like I would never be able to surf. But I had also experienced the joy and exhilaration of catching a wave, even if it was whitewash. The fear factor of the underwater life was managed with the feeling of safety
in numbers. Besides, I was pretty determined and competitive so I persevered.
I moved to Bondi and surfed as much as I could. I would go out even in shitty conditions and would work on my paddle fitness or something else. The small milestones and pure joy of feeling like a kid were significant enough to keep me going back. I had also made a good surf friends and now and then I would be taken to places I wouldn’t have gone to on my own; surfing with friends much better than me was helpful for my progress. Eventually I got better and more confident in conditions that used to intimidate me and I was hooked, even though I was relying on being saved by the lifeguards if my leash ever broke. It was time to learn to swim.
It was surprisingly hard to find a learn to swim course for adults and I felt embarrassed calling around in search of one. Learning to swim was so hard! It was frustrating and foreign to me and I felt like I was going to drown most of the time.
I decided to accelerate my learning and make it more surf–relevant by joining an ocean swim group. I ended up getting hooked and focussed on ocean swim event goals for most of a year. When I’d reached my goal of Bondi to Bronte I finally returned to my first love, surfing!
Even though I could swim and had improved my confidence in the surf, I seemed to be stuck at a point where this fear of being held underwater limited my surfing. I’d had a couple of hold downs that stuck with me, even though they were probably no more than five seconds. I wouldn’t go for bigger waves because I thought about how long I’d be held under. Sometimes when paddling out on a bigger day, I would see sets coming through and work myself into anxiety thinking that by the time I’d get there I’d be out of breath and then be held down and drown. My mind would come up with excuses to support this: not feeling strong that day, being unfit or feeling a bit sick. So I wouldn’t really commit to paddling out past the break in the end.
As a result, I started thinking about doing a freediving course. A lot of my Hawaiian friends grew up freediving and spearfishing. There was such a beauty in how calm, peaceful and graceful they looked underwater; I wanted to enjoy it as they seemed to, and surely that would help with my fear!
But before I got a chance, in 2017, I had a terrible accident while on a surf trip in Lombok.
We were sightseeing at waterfalls in the middle of nowhere. I ended up with a spinal fracture;
a burst L1 vertebra and fractured T12. A medevac crew flew from Australia to take me from Lombok hospital to Perth hospital before returning me to Sydney a week later. I was lucky that the shattered pieces of vertebra had stopped right by my spinal cord; I would heal smoothly if my spine didn’t collapse within the first six weeks.
The morning of the accident I had caught the wave of my life and I had been on such a high. The memory and feeling of gratitude for what I had been lucky enough to experience in the ocean thus far in my life helped me through that scary time in Lombok, fearing that I might not be able to surf, let alone walk after that.
The recovery period was long and hard, but I had a lot of support and I think feeling grateful most of the time helped. I went from being super active to being unable to move much for a while. I made an effort to eat well and not resort to alcohol, etc. because I didn’t want to make things worse for myself. I was forced to stop and it forced me to try meditation.
After three months when I was finally allowed to drive, I took myself to a yoga/meditation retreat which I found helpful. I wasn’t able to do the yoga at that stage but I did some stretching and mostly discovered the real purpose of yoga; connecting with your breath and yourself.
Surfing has been huge for me in terms of mental health. I lost my mum during my recovery and went through a mentally challenging period of grief. Even though surfing helps me maintain my mental health in general, there were some days I felt like it truly saved me.
In general, the accident left me feeling physically fragile which was hard to digest because I don’t like to feel weak or ask for help. Emotionally, it hit me how quickly life can change. It was absolutely humbling. I felt intimidated thinking about getting back to surfing, but that was my goal and I worked really hard and diligently at rehab.
After about six months I went out for my first paddle to test the waters; it took a while to get used to falling off the board and getting thrashed around but eventually I was catching waves again. I think it took another year for my back to loosen up enough not to feel like a rod was
in the centre of it while paddling. Now it is just lower back pain I have to manage. Considering it all, I would say came out winning!
When I got back to surfing I was feeling intimidated all over again, this time by waves hitting my back and breath holds so I finally took that freediving course. I did the beginner course at 20 meters and then trained hard for just over two months for a deep dive course without knowing if I was going to be able to do it. I went to Indonesia for the 30 meter deep dive course and was blown away that I achieved the dive and met other breath holding requirements, which involve high CO2 tolerance.
I was excited to put my new diving skills to the test and I definitely felt more confident in the surf. I was now more aware of my limits because I had pushed beyond what I thought was possible. It’s funny though because even with all the skills I’ve gained to help me relax in the surf, my nerves still get me. I still get butterflies when it looks big and especially at a new break. I still have thoughts that creep in and scare me on a bigger day. I’ve had so much time out of the surf due to multiple surf related injuries, but I will still come back every time.
I’ve recently been learning to let go of my personal expectations of my performance in the surf. I realised it was negatively impacting my enjoyment and taking away from the most important part; having fun and loving it.
This year I bought a speargun to start catching my own fish. It stems from the desire to use my freediving skills to provide for myself and share my catch with others, and also to eat seafood in a more sustainable way. Spearfishing is so rewarding and also just feels so natural after a while that I wonder if we somehow lost this tradition in my culture.
It was really special for me to return home with a fresh view and new appreciation of the place I grew up in. I never noticed the reef nor appreciated the beauty of my own ocean home in the way I see it now. The first time I was good enough to surf on my own island was so heart-warming, I felt so incredibly happy. My joy inspired me to build ocean awareness there, for kids especially, so people could have the opportunity to swim, surf and freedive.
There aren’t many female surfers around either so I held a surf and culture retreat for women, offering an opportunity to surf somewhere they wouldn’t normally go on their own. The ocean is so embedded in my culture and I want others at home in Samoa to feel as empowered to enjoy the ocean as I do.
We are SO STOKED to be collaborating with the incredible, inspiring Mel for a Betty retreat in 2024. Come and be inspired by her and the culture of Samoa with Pele o Samoa with us next year!
